Embracing Your Emotions, Part 3: How to Handle Difficult Emotions

Sometimes it all gets to be too much.

This is the third and final installment in our three part series on Embracing Your Emotions as a Christian. In and of themselves, emotions are neither right nor wrong. Even those we might consider "bad" exist for a reason and have important functions. Feelings are caused by chemical reactions in the brain and body. As automatic responses to stimuli, similar to temptations, emotions are morally neutral. What is a moral choice, however, is what we do in response to our feelings (and temptations): whether or not we control our behavior and choose to act rightly as the emotions come up. This is why the Bible does not tell us to not be angry, but rather to not sin when we are.

Be angry, and do not sin. —Ephesians 4:26 (NKJV)

Because emotions can be confusing and unpredictable, some people say that they are not, "real," or that they cannot be trusted. We are then told that they should simply be ignored or altered, as if reading the Bible or saying a prayer will somehow magically transform our emotional experience like the wave of a wand. Don't get me wrong, there is great power in the Word of God and His Spirit within us. However, the alterations God makes rarely happen instantaneously or outside the confines of His natural order.

Sometimes, no matter how much we know about the truth of God's Word, it simply does not translate into our lived experience.

For example, while it is true that God loves me, it is also true that there are times when I do not sense His love. When I say, "God doesn't love me," what I mean is that I feel unloved by Him. My feelings do not make God's love any less real. At the same time, the fact that He loves me does not make my emotional experience any less real! Molecules of pain and sorrow, feelings of loneliness and abandonment, are still running around inside my body. And they can cause some very real havoc in there: spiking stress hormones, shutting down rational thought, and overwhelming the nervous system.

In an attempt to make sense of our experience, our brain (often with the help of the Enemy) can come to some faulty conclusions, such as, "I am unlovable," or, "I'm not good enough". These conclusions then enhance our emotions which further embed the lie, creating a tangible and destructive negative feedback loop. When this experience is then reinforced by external factors, like when a friend betrays us, the corresponding flood of emotion can become so powerful that it is then hard to make a conscious choice at all. And yet we are told not to sin in our anger. Somehow we must come to terms with even the most challenging of our emotions.

So, how do we get out of this loop? What are we to do when the feelings of our lived experience do not correspond with the ultimate truth of God's Word? How does one overcome the overwhelming reality of debilitating emotions like depression, anxiety, terror and rage?

Handling Difficult Emotions: Start with Compassion and Honesty

Like everything else, we must first take these feelings to the cross of Christ. There we find a Savior who identifies with our anguish (Hebrews 2:10-18), and our desperate desire for a way out (Luke 22:41-44). He has compassion on us (Psalm 103). And it is important that we receive this compassion for ourselves. Love is primary (1 Corinthians 13), and the seed from which all spiritual fruit will spring (Galatians 5:22-23). Any true healing must begin here, with Love. We must start with compassion and ask God to give us understanding (James 1:5).

He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. —Isaiah 53:3

Our emotions exist for a reason. If God says that He values our tears (Psalm 56:8), then they are worth attending to! Our feelings serve as important indicators of the state of our heart, soul, mind and body. While they may or may not be based on circumstantial or spiritual reality, they are immensely important and valid in that they reflect a physical reality in our bodies that can lead us into deeper truth about ourselves and God. When we are willing to confess and honestly acknowlege difficult emotions in His presence, we then have the opportunity to experience God's forgiveness and comfort, and to receive his revelation and wisdom regarding the state of our heart and character, possible lies we have partnered with, and areas where we need God's help and correction.

Handling Difficult Emotions: Ways to Manage the Intensity

When life experiences become too much, when we have trauma or our brain chemistry is off, feelings can become so big that we are literally flooded to the point in which it seems impossible to act on purpose. We can find ourselves paralyzed, or reacting so quickly that there seems to be no time to make any conscious decision.

What becomes imperative in these situations, is finding a way to increase the space between emotion and reaction.

Learning to manage the intensity of our emotions increases our window of tolerance and gives us the opportunity to respond to what we are feeling, rather than simply reacting.

Use the following tools to retrain your brain and teach your body to "ride the wave" when emotions surge:

• Meditation and mindfulness. Learning to simply notice an experience and emotion without reacting to it is a form of mindfulness that can be practiced through meditation. By learning to observe passing thoughts and feelings while remaining separate or detached from them, we learn to maintain calm access to our frontal lobes (rational brain) during times of stress. Try apps like Calm or Headspace, or practice sitting in silence and focusing on a scripture, nature sounds or your breath.

• Medication. I know many good Christians who denounce psychiatric medication and yet are quite willing to take vitamin C to avoid getting sick, or regularly use blood pressure medicine to reduce hypertension. Unfortunately, these fearfully and wonderfully made bodies of ours are never perfect. Sometimes our brains and nervous systems need medical help, too, just like anything else. Healthy biochemistry is critical. Do yourself a favor and consider speaking with a professional to explore whether psychopharmacology and/or alternative supplementation like Ashwagandha, Sam-E, Lithium Salts or B Vitamins are right for you.

• Express yourself. Finding a way to express our emotions helps to get them out of the body and clear our mind. As mentioned in previous posts, things like journaling, creating art (e.g., painting, music or dance), talking to someone, praying, and emoting (crying, yelling into a pillow, etc.) are all very therapeutic. God loves and accepts you as you are, including your big feelings. Expressing our emotions with honesty, allows us to walk with God, others and ourselves in integrity, courageous vulnerability, and humility.

• Exercise. Studies consistently show that habitual exercise (any form of physical exertion, from gardening to golf) is effective at reducing anxiety and depression. It improves our mood, sleep and overall health. Exerting ourselves through moderate activity releases endorphins and works off the adrenaline associated with more intense emotions. The importance of moving our bodies, especially on a regular basis, cannot be over-emphasized!

• Feed the right response. Consciously renouncing any lies that do not align with scripture and rehearsing God's truth out loud helps us grow new neurons and reform our brains. Memorize and repeat scripture out loud, meditate on God's Word, sing praise songs, and offer God your thanksgiving on a daily basis. Consider keeping a gratitude journal, listening to worship music while you work, or playing an audio Bible in the car. Practice taking a deep breath and giving a blessing for every little annoyance or offense, like waiting in line or getting cut off on the road. Training ourselves in small moments, makes us more successful when the big ones come.

Handling Difficult Emotions: When to Seek Help

Upsetting emotions like fear, doubt, grief and anger can be overwhelming for anyone, including Christians. It is important to recognize that feelings like this do not signify a lack of faith. Rather, they are a natural part of the human experience.

Many devout believers wrestle with, and are even overcome by, such feelings. Rather than blaming or beating ourselves up for unwanted emotions, we must show ourselves compassion and decide what we are going to do about it.

Talking with someone we trust is crucial for managing feelings constructively, allowing us to explore our emotions without hurting ourselves or others. If you notice yourself having emotional outbursts that are hard to control, or find that your feelings are making it hard to function in daily life, it is likely that you need to speak with a professional. Seeking out a pastor, counselor, doctor or spiritual director who can help you get to the root of the issues underlying these feelings is one way to drain them of their power and learn to express them in a Godly way.

Sharing our burdens can transform overwhelming feelings into opportunities for growth. While we may struggle to express our emotions, they are a vital part of our Christian walk and worth exploring in a safe environment. Talking with a professional can help us let go of shame and embrace our emotions in a healthy way. When we have the freedom to honestly share how we feel and can find a way to let our feelings out within a secure relationship, we discover that, "what's shareable is bearable," as Dan Siegel likes to say. Emotional health and literacy are foundational for personal wellbeing and a thriving Christian community.

Summary

Overwhelming emotions can be debilitating and take us out of commision as ambassadors for Christ. Satan will try to convince you that you are too messed up to do any good. He plays on our feelings and wounds to distract us from the work of the Kingdom. We must fight this battle! However, simply trying to will ourselves into right behavior only works for so long.

Forcing ourselves to act against our core beliefs and emotions is unsustainable. We need to acknowledge our feelings and deal with the underlying beliefs and experiences in order to live a happy, healthy and productive Christian life.

To process challenging emotions, Christians can turn to prayer, scripture, and community support. You are not alone. All of us struggle, at one time or another, with feelings that are overwhelming or uncomfortable. Thankfully, as Christians, we have the supernatural support of God Himself. Through the power of His Word, the presence of His Holy Spirit and the support of His Church, we can overcome. In addition, tools like medication, meditation and exercise can help us manage the intensity of difficult emotions.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. –—Psalm 147:3

Remember, there are no, "bad," or, "wrong," emotions. All feelings are God-given signals and can motivate productive change. As we discussed in Embracing Your Emotions, Part 1, feelings are part of God's design and an important way in which we image our creator. In our efforts to become more like Him, it is essential that we learn to express and handle difficult emotions well. Seeking help is a healthy response when our emotions are so strong that they become incapacitating or hurtful. Lies, habits and wounds that are deeply entrenched often require professional assistance.

If you find that your emotions are getting in the way of normal functioning, don't wait to reach out! It takes great courage to be willing to get the help we need in order to disrupt these kinds of negative feedback loops, but the sooner they are dealt with, the better. If you are not sure how or would like help to do so, consider meeting with a therapist or spiritual director. You can check out resources for counseling here, or book a spiritual direction appointment here.

Let's learn to embrace our emotions. Instead of trying to force them to be a certain way, let's allow them to inform us and draw us closer to our Heavenly Father. Embracing emotions is especially important for Christians who want to be effective in God’s Kingdom. By acknowledging and expressing our emotions in healthy ways, we can connect more deeply with God, ourselves, and each other, spreading the good news that Jesus loves and saves us, redeeming even the most difficult of emotions for our good and His glory!

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles. –—2 Corinthians 1:3-4