Til Death Do Us Part: Choosing Life in the Face of Loss

My mom is dying; not all at once, but a little bit every day from a disease that is eating away her brain. Of course, the reality is that at a certain point, we are all dying a little bit at a time! My mom, though, is slowly fading away from Alzheimer's. A diagnosis is just words on a page to label what the doctor's see, to help us know what to expect and how to cope. But it is also a reminder of mortality; a reminder that we are not of this world. It is a reminder of all the tiny and terrific losses that we face in life.

I wrote this poem when my son was heading off to Kindergarten, and it rings true anew in this current season.

Oh, don’t grow old!

I cannot bear it

Off you go to fly

All the little leavings

And the kisses of goodbye

Until the final kiss on cheek

When comes the time to die

Oh, don’t grow old!

I cannot bear it

Every time we part

A whisper of the final end

And breaking of my heart

The reality of loss can lead us to become morose and depressed. When we choose life in the face of loss, however, it allows us to make the most of the time we have! I grew up well acquainted with "leavings". My father was in the army. Every two to three years, I said goodbye to all my friends and everything that was familiar, to start over in a new location. I dealt with this by cutting ties and moving on, burying any grief or sadness, and focusing on the next thing.

Now that I am older (and maybe a little wiser) I realize that all feelings are buried alive, and eventually they come back, ”bigger and badder” than when they left!

Over the years, I’ve learned to face my pain and loss, to share it with the Lord and those I trust, and to embrace the gift of tears and the strength that comes through vulnerability.

Of course, I’m still learning.

When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, there were complications and it took three years. During that time, I vividly remember a day when the emotional roller coaster of getting excited about having a baby and being devastated every month when it didn’t happen, became too much to bear. I wanted to shut down.

I wanted to quit hoping and anticipating that new life inside of me. The pain and disappointment was so much that I wanted to stop feeling altogether. Instead, I made a conscious choice to trust Jesus, to continue celebrating the possibility and experiencing the loss, month after month. I wanted our baby to feel welcome and wanted from the moment of conception, so I chose to keep feeling: allowing for both the grief and the hope.

My parents used to tell me to, “make a choice.” This usually meant to stop crying or whining, to ignore whatever was bothering me and focus on something else. I have learned over the years that this doesn’t work very well. But the concept of making a choice is still a good one.

While we are mourning and embracing our pain, we must also choose to continue embracing life.

My friend wrote this after she lost her husband:

Cry when you need to, mourn when you need to

Then Choose

Choose Life, Choose Joy, Choose Love

Choose to Dance, Choose to Sing, Choose to Play

Choose Laughter, Choose Positive

Choose to Move

Choose Peace, Choose Connection, Choose Hope

Choose Blessing

Choose

Initially, when I lost my license to practice psychology, I felt ruined. I was also angry with the cross. Why do bad things have to happen? Why did Jesus have to die? Then God told me that the reason I was having such a hard time with death and loss, was because I didn’t fully grasp the reality of resurrection. Because of the incarnation and the cross, God is fully acquainted with our suffering. The resurrection of Jesus is both a pronouncement and a promise: God has conquered death, and He always brings new life.

As I chose to grieve my practice, embracing Jesus and the totality of my experience, God healed my marriage and restored parts of me I didn’t even know were missing. Out of the death of my career, He brought new life. As Christians, we will one day live with Him in Heaven, where all things will be restored and death can no longer touch us. This gives us the courage to face the fullness of joy and sorrow in the life we live today; to choose life in the face of loss.

 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die" —John 11:24

I am grateful for this time I have with my mom. I am grateful that she is willing to be honest about her fear, pain and struggles, while still trusting Jesus as she faces her own decline. I am grateful for the many ways that God allows life to go on in the middle of our pain and grief: in the smile of a stranger, in the kindness of a friend, in the comfort of His presence, and in mercies that are new every morning. Thank you, Lord, that even in the midst of death, you give us life. Help us to trust this truth a little more every day.